public living

The private/public line we draw is something I've been pondering. I don't want to put myself on the net completely because I feel like my life is for me and not for public consumption (facebook, pictures, twitter, etc). So many people make me sick, putting on this show that they expect everyone to buy into. Maybe a huge part of my privacy has to do with a fear of measuring up. I especially hate this because at no other time in my life do I really give a shit about it. In "real life", if you will. Measuring up doesn't matter and I'm happy with where I am, where I've been, and where I'm going, personally. Sure, I don't have the experiences others do. I haven't traveled the world or lived the greek life in college. I don't have loads of acquaintances. I won't have that many tagged pictures, that many facebook friends, that many comments on my birthday, that many adorable status updates about how happy I am and how much I LOVE MY LIFE, so why even try?

So, this is me. I'm not just saying I don't give a fuck, I really don't. My friends are my real friends--I value them, and I don't collect them. I take some pictures, some I share and some I don't, and I save some pictures other people take so I can look at them later. I don't always look good. I'm not always happy and excited. I sometimes am, more often than not, lately, but I revel in that privately or with people I'm close to, without proclaiming it online. I'm happy I don't do those things, yet I still feel a need to measure up. I just have to try to not let it bother me.

Which brings me to the subject of blogging. Blogging is an extension of Facebook, really, because it is a piece of yourself that you put out there to be read, but really judged, by others. So how much of myself do I want to put on this blog? The first few posts are generic, easy, and shallow. I feel like I should write about more interesting things. But the truth is, I'm really awesome, and the things I do aren't especially interesting lately, which I'm also not really worried about.

Wow, I was just about to write a few really self conscious sentences there. I stopped myself, not for public appearances, but because I'm feeling really great about my life and myself lately. It's an interesting transition. I feel like I'm been pretty self conscious for most of my life. New attention from men, overall confidence in my life in Seattle, and my quest towards personal health (which makes me care a lot less about how I look) is making me a person I don't quite understand yet.

So I guess, for now, this blog is what it is. And I'm ok with that. And I won't put on a show, no matter how much I feel like I should. Story of my life. Once in third grade I raised my hand to answer a question everyone single other person in the class thought had the opposite answer. I should have conformed, but I didn't--I stood my ground. And guess what, I was right all along.

xoxo

PS I did that again when I could have gotten a pendant signed by Joe Montana when I won a raffle in elementary school, and the whole school told me to pick the Joe Montana prize, but I chose the other pendant, which was signed by two football players no one cared about at all. Non-conformity was a FAIL that particular time :)