I don't know what to blog about anymore. My anxiety about the internet is returning. I just got this awesome scrapbook that I'm going to use as some sort of no pressure creativity outlet.

I'm having a birthday party. It's going to look like this:

2010-2011. Interesting

Your Birthday Year Forecast: A trine between the Sun and the Moon in your Solar Return chart this year is a fortunate aspect. It suggests that your domestic and career needs are not in competition with one another in the year ahead. Your inner needs tend to be mirrored by external events, and vice versa. This aspect is very powerful and rewarding. It suggests that you will be on top of your game this year, for the most part, and positive connections with others can be made fairly easily. A comfortable level of personal popularity helps to keep conflict to a minimum. With the ability to handle your emotions successfully, there is less stress on both your mind and body. Your self-confidence and positive attitude will reward you!

You might find that you continue to be more goal-oriented this year, as superficial goals no longer satisfy you. You want your life path and your objectives to reflect what you're really about. You benefit from being more decisive than usual, and your ability to concentrate and focus help you to achieve what you set out to do. A new project or goal begun this year has a good chance of being successful and long-lasting. (Oh, yay)

With Mercury trine the Moon's North Node, making contact through learning, communicating, and mental pursuits figures strongly in your year. Mercury square Mars in your Solar Return chart suggests good energy for debate or energetic mental work. It's possible that you may be argumentative and irritable under this influence, and particularly impatient with vagueness. However, if this energy is applied well, you may simply enjoy a more active and clear mind.

Venus is very busy with aspects in your Solar Return chart, suggesting much activity with social and romantic relationships, and finances. Venus sextiles Uranus, trines Saturn, quintiles Mars, and squares Neptune/Chiron. Your creative energy this year is especially potent. You are likely to find yourself more accepting and understanding of your friends and lovers. Contentedness in love is likely to figure and to attract positive circumstances (and people) into your life. However, problems can arise when you are too accepting or when you are not realistically assessing relationships. Favorable outcomes when it comes to legal affairs, education, and travel may figure this year. You are likely to enjoy increased social opportunities as well as a boost in your personal popularity and magnetism. You are open to new concepts and ways of relating, as well as intrigued with people who bring new ideas into your life. As long as you stay grounded and realistic in your expectations from others, you can enjoy a very strong year for love and social relationships.

Saturn in opposition to Uranus around the time of your birthday suggests some restlessness. Attempts to assert your individuality, freedom, and originality undermine your feelings of groundedness and security. Yet, you are not satisfied when you conform. There may be sudden and unexpected twists that force you to do something different or that help free yourself from old habits. Adjusting your plans is in order, and striking a balance between convention and innovation is the challenge. Setbacks tend to be temporary and often lead to new, more creative paths or solutions. Ambivalence is likely and could color many of your interactions.

You are likely to have an especially stimulating year socially and intellectually, in which the exchange of ideas with others figures prominently. You are goal-oriented and decisive. Loving and mind-expanding relationships are more easily attracted in the year ahead.

2010 is a Number Three year for you. Ruled by Jupiter. This is a year of sociability. It is a friendly time, when it is easy to enjoy life and other people. Focus is on personal freedom, reaching out to others, making new friends, and exploration. You are more enthusiastic and ready for adventure. It is likely to be a rather lighthearted year, when opportunities for "play" time are greater than usual. It's also a good year for expressing your creativity. Advice - reach out, but avoid scattering your energies.

2011 will be a Number Four year for you. Ruled by Uranus. This is a year of work and development. It's "nose to the grindstone" time. It's a time to deal with practical matters, and it's not a time to be lazy or especially gregarious. Sometimes, it can be a year that feels hard, monotonous and routine, and/or lonely. Positive new relationships are generally not formed in a Four personal year. Advice - get yourself organized, work to build your resources, keep busy.

The Maltese

The series of events that brought me from two days ago to where I am now has been a trip.

Yesterday: home in Seattle

Today: Portland airport

2pm Hawaii time: HOPEFULLY IN HAWAII!

Seems easy, right? I sat at the Seattle airport all day Tuesday trying to hop on a flight. Unfortunately, it was completely impossible. So I came home, snuggled with Riley, and felt so comfortable in my own bed that I didn't really want to leave. I haven't had that feeling yet, and it was nice. I woke up at 5am and went back to the airport, and failed to get on a flight two more times. After the second time, I gave up all hope, and plan B was set into action.

Plan B: Take a train to Portland and try to leave from there, where flights were generally more open.

Problem #1: The train for Portland left in 45 minutes, it took 10 minutes to walk to the light rail, and 30 minutes to get from the airport to the train station via light rail.

Needless to say, I totally didn't make it.

Plan C: hop on the next train, get a hotel in Portland for the night, fly out of Portland in the morning.

So, I got on the next train. We made it about 2/3 of the way. We were stopped next to a few beautiful farms in Southern Washington. We were informed that a van had been hit down the tracks from we were, and were pulled up to the next station in Kelso, WA.

http://www.katu.com/news/118545764.html

Since no one knew the details of the accident and they couldn't give us any kind of time frame about how long we would be stopped, a few of us decided to go to The Maltese, a bar right next to the tracks.

4pm at The Maltese: $1.75 for a Mack and Jacks, $1.00 for mixed drinks, me and four strangers. The crowd was eerie--like something from a movie. Big place, no music, happy hour. Most people were missing teeth and reminded me of the inbred creature from Harold and Kumar. Everyone was commenting on how pretty we all were and how we "must be related".

Four hours and three beers and two shots later, I was drunk and we were still in Kelso. One of the guys I met, Justin, had a mom who was the victim of a surgical mistake and sued the hospital for a half a million dollars. She threw a bunch of money his way and told him to enjoy the next few years, take a break from college. He paid for drinks, and the girls I was with made me feel guilty for letting him.

Amtrak finally sent buses to pick us up. I made it to Portland.

When we got to Portland I didn't know where I was going and was still pretty drunk. A man offered to help us find the train we were looking for. He told us he had been mugged, showed us his wounds, and just happened to be from the same small town in Wisconsin as my new friend/traveling buddy. He brought us to where we needed to go, and we gave him $15 to get back to Seattle.

We made it to the hotel, and I let Justin crash in the extra bed. He is kind of a nomad, and I could have totally taken him if he tried to kill me. Also, he is super rich so I didn't think he'd jack my stuff. He didn't.

Kona, here I come!

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite new a thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you quite so new

ee cummings

runners

Spider Plant

When I opened my eyes this morning,
the fact of its shooting out
long thin green runners on which miniatures
of the mother will sprout,
and that each of these offshoots
could in its own time repeat this,
terrified me. And something seemed awful
in the syllables of the word "Brenda,"
sounding inside me before they made a name,
then making a name of no one I've known.
i had been dreaming I was married to Patty
again. She kept coming on my tongue
and I knew if I put myself in
we'd have to stay together this time.
But I wanted to, and did, and as I did
the sadness and pleasure of our nine years together
washed through me as a river, yet
I knew this wasn't right, it couldn't
work, and though we were now enmeshed
forever, I began to rise from my body
making love with her on the bed and to hover
at a little distance over both of us.
That's when I awoke and saw the spider plant.

-Michael Ryan

thinking of winter in the summer

In Winter

At four o'clock it's dark.
Today, looking out through dusk at three gray women in stretch slacks
chatting in front of the post office,
their steps left and right and back
like some quick folk dance of kindness,
I remembered the winter we spent
crying in each other's laps.
What could you be thinking at this moment?
How lovely and strange the gangly spines
of trees against a thickening sky
as you drive from the library
humming off-key? Or are you smiling
at an idea met in a book
the way you smiled with your whole body
the first night we talked?
i was so sure my love of you was perfect,
and the light today
reminded me of the winter you drove home
each day in the dark at four o'clock
and would come into my study to kiss me
despite mistake after mistake after mistake.

-Michael Ryan

ba da ba ba ba ba baaaaa, I'm Alive!

I woke up feeling grateful.

I had a dream last night that I was graduating from high school and was actually sad about it, sad about leaving Mr Schwing and Calculus (nerd alert) and about leaving my friends. I felt so scared about going out into the world for the first time, and I had no idea what was going to happen to me next. I looked to close friends and mentor for answers and for comfort. I woke up with that terrible "I've just been crying in my dream" feeling, but soon absorbed the presence of my room and Riley, snuggled up by my side. I realized that the rest of my life has a basic plan that's beginning in 10 days. I'm settled, independent, and living in a city I absolutely love. I'm so happy with myself and where I am.

<3

AAW5100

I've decided to jump back on the blog wagon, even though everyone else has jumped off (ahem, Maddie, Amy, and Milf). A lot has happened in the past month. Some highlights:

Benny Benassi. I danced my butt off all night and had SO MUCH FUN!

Tatianni moving in. New roomie/partner in crime/fellow enjoyer of life that I have been spending most of my time with! We've been having so much fun.

Golden Gardens Park. Spent a sunny & lazy afternoon at a great beach in Seattle. Yes, a beach in Seattle. With snow capped mountains over the water and lush green trees behind us. Adam played guitar and I found a crab shell to look at for a long time. I've been thinking about No Impact Man and been working more on my footprint. I bring my reusable bag everywhere and try to always bring a water bottle. I bought a used item of clothing. I went to the Farmer's Market for fruits and veggies (all local organic). I cleaned up the beach for 10 minutes to bring some positive into my wholly negative impact on this planet. I felt like it was a huge accomplishment for me to actually act on what I think about. Next goals: buy some potting soil and plant a few plants, build my worm compost bin, look into trail cleanup/restoration, and go check out another market! mmm strawberries and tomatoes...

Hiking! I've been hiking every weekend as usual. I've decided that the weekly hike is equivalent to church--it's my religion--it grounds me, re-centers me, and puts my life back into focus.

Denny Creek--twice in 3 weeks!

Snow Lake: an adventure in bushwhacking up and down a snow covered mountain while trying to get as little snow as possible into my shoes and underwear (I had worn jean shorts like a smart person) and punching holes in half melted snow piles with um, your entire leg in a hole. It seems terrible and difficult, but I laughed all day and was proud of myself afterwards.

Annette Lake: a journey into the clouds with a hyperactive dog who was unsure of snow (and hypoallergenic) and an owner who could not detach from her twitter long enough to appreciate the following:

I start grad school in 12 days. That's less than two weeks! I've been preparing myself for the transition back into a student. I spent the day today cleaning the house top to bottom, and yesterday I straightened out all car related Washington registration, insurance, and WA license getting. I ordered my books for summer classes (used) on Amazon, and mailed in my acceptance/agreement for financial aid. I'm committed and excited!

<3