runners

Spider Plant

When I opened my eyes this morning,
the fact of its shooting out
long thin green runners on which miniatures
of the mother will sprout,
and that each of these offshoots
could in its own time repeat this,
terrified me. And something seemed awful
in the syllables of the word "Brenda,"
sounding inside me before they made a name,
then making a name of no one I've known.
i had been dreaming I was married to Patty
again. She kept coming on my tongue
and I knew if I put myself in
we'd have to stay together this time.
But I wanted to, and did, and as I did
the sadness and pleasure of our nine years together
washed through me as a river, yet
I knew this wasn't right, it couldn't
work, and though we were now enmeshed
forever, I began to rise from my body
making love with her on the bed and to hover
at a little distance over both of us.
That's when I awoke and saw the spider plant.

-Michael Ryan

thinking of winter in the summer

In Winter

At four o'clock it's dark.
Today, looking out through dusk at three gray women in stretch slacks
chatting in front of the post office,
their steps left and right and back
like some quick folk dance of kindness,
I remembered the winter we spent
crying in each other's laps.
What could you be thinking at this moment?
How lovely and strange the gangly spines
of trees against a thickening sky
as you drive from the library
humming off-key? Or are you smiling
at an idea met in a book
the way you smiled with your whole body
the first night we talked?
i was so sure my love of you was perfect,
and the light today
reminded me of the winter you drove home
each day in the dark at four o'clock
and would come into my study to kiss me
despite mistake after mistake after mistake.

-Michael Ryan

ba da ba ba ba ba baaaaa, I'm Alive!

I woke up feeling grateful.

I had a dream last night that I was graduating from high school and was actually sad about it, sad about leaving Mr Schwing and Calculus (nerd alert) and about leaving my friends. I felt so scared about going out into the world for the first time, and I had no idea what was going to happen to me next. I looked to close friends and mentor for answers and for comfort. I woke up with that terrible "I've just been crying in my dream" feeling, but soon absorbed the presence of my room and Riley, snuggled up by my side. I realized that the rest of my life has a basic plan that's beginning in 10 days. I'm settled, independent, and living in a city I absolutely love. I'm so happy with myself and where I am.

<3

AAW5100

I've decided to jump back on the blog wagon, even though everyone else has jumped off (ahem, Maddie, Amy, and Milf). A lot has happened in the past month. Some highlights:

Benny Benassi. I danced my butt off all night and had SO MUCH FUN!

Tatianni moving in. New roomie/partner in crime/fellow enjoyer of life that I have been spending most of my time with! We've been having so much fun.

Golden Gardens Park. Spent a sunny & lazy afternoon at a great beach in Seattle. Yes, a beach in Seattle. With snow capped mountains over the water and lush green trees behind us. Adam played guitar and I found a crab shell to look at for a long time. I've been thinking about No Impact Man and been working more on my footprint. I bring my reusable bag everywhere and try to always bring a water bottle. I bought a used item of clothing. I went to the Farmer's Market for fruits and veggies (all local organic). I cleaned up the beach for 10 minutes to bring some positive into my wholly negative impact on this planet. I felt like it was a huge accomplishment for me to actually act on what I think about. Next goals: buy some potting soil and plant a few plants, build my worm compost bin, look into trail cleanup/restoration, and go check out another market! mmm strawberries and tomatoes...

Hiking! I've been hiking every weekend as usual. I've decided that the weekly hike is equivalent to church--it's my religion--it grounds me, re-centers me, and puts my life back into focus.

Denny Creek--twice in 3 weeks!

Snow Lake: an adventure in bushwhacking up and down a snow covered mountain while trying to get as little snow as possible into my shoes and underwear (I had worn jean shorts like a smart person) and punching holes in half melted snow piles with um, your entire leg in a hole. It seems terrible and difficult, but I laughed all day and was proud of myself afterwards.

Annette Lake: a journey into the clouds with a hyperactive dog who was unsure of snow (and hypoallergenic) and an owner who could not detach from her twitter long enough to appreciate the following:

I start grad school in 12 days. That's less than two weeks! I've been preparing myself for the transition back into a student. I spent the day today cleaning the house top to bottom, and yesterday I straightened out all car related Washington registration, insurance, and WA license getting. I ordered my books for summer classes (used) on Amazon, and mailed in my acceptance/agreement for financial aid. I'm committed and excited!

<3

Hello, I love you

Hello I have something to say.
Remember me? We met the other day.
Anyway, I think that you're really great.

You are better than butter on bread.
If you were a sweater I'd wear you on my head. Why is butter so good on bread? It's you. Hahah, I'm sorry.

Just tried to let you know that I love you so.
And now I'll let you go.
Ohh oh
Just called to say hello, and that I love you so.
And now I'll let you go.
Ohh oh
Just wanted to let you know that I love you so.
And now I'll let you go.
Ohh oh
Just called to say hello, you know I love you so.
And now I'll let you go.
Yeah.

So I guess you're probably busy and things. Doin' your hair, or whatever you're doing that's so cool. You're the best, just wanted to say you knock me out.
So get back to whatever it is your doin' that's so cool. I'll get back to kicking rocks down by the highschool.
Anyway...uhh. My numbers 22762.
Call me back if you want to.

Just tried to let you know that I love you so.
And now I'll let you go.
Ohh oh
Just called to say hello, and that I love you so.
And now I'll let you go.
Ohh oh
Just wanted to let you know that I love you so.
And now I'll let you go.
Ohh oh
Just called to say hello, you know I love you so.
And now I'll let you go.
Yeah.

-Ima Robot

uterine lining/udders

This is what my body does to remind me every month what I would look like pregnant. The day before my period on my new 28 day normal woman cycle. I'm not even sticking my stomach out. Haha.

Today I went to Maggie Moon's here in Wallingford with the lovely Mad. I pigged out on salted caramel ice cream and lavender ice cream with a homemade waffle cone. I feel guilty about it. I came back to Seattle a few days ago and got right back on the hardcore vegan train and totally killed it with what I ate today. And I know I'm not perfect and I just started my period so I'm allowed to treat myself (excuses), but I really want to treat myself with vegan foods. I feel guilty about the harm inflicted on the poor cows. For me to enjoy that ice cream a baby girl cow was raised and forced to be pregnant over and over and over in its crazy short life, and milked by machines and had its many babies taken away from it and turned into veal and more baby girl milk cows. And it was a really really sad life. I really need to stop being ashamed of my compassion--so what, I have a big heart (sometimes). And, on top of that, it was bad for my digestive system, probably full of antibiootics, it was bad for my heart, and it's going to make some fat. WHY DO I DO THESE THINGS TO MYSELF!

I feel like Violet from Willie Wonka. I've been eating a lot of dairy and sugar. I might explode like that guy from that Monty Python skit. "It's wafer thin..."

While we're talking about movies...I gave Pineapple Express a second shot. I didn't really like it either time. It's a stoner movie that isn't for stoners...I mean the graphic violence and half blown off ear pieces, the 20 minute car chase, the lame characters, the fact that it's 2 hours long...not a good stoned movie.

"They say california is a recipe for a black hole

I say, I've got my best shoes on

I'm ready to go"

Home is relaxing. The house is so big and I have it all to myself. I don't have to shut the door when I pee. I want to live alone for a while--don't get me wrong, having roommates is super fun and they keep me in check. The ever present reminder that my sloth-ness is being noticed helps me do one productive thing a day, at least. I can't afford to live alone for now. I guess really I want a place where I live with one other person that I can boss around (boyfriend, fiance, whatever). That way I don't get lonely, and I can keep things how I like them :) Pieces of me are so stupidly stereotypically womanly, for instance my need to coddle heads against my breasts.

I saw Sex and the City 2 and it made me crave New York City--the lights, the speed, the noise. The people. I don't know how or when I'll end up there, but I sure do miss it while I'm gone. I'm almost willing to drive cross country with Jordan and the two cats just to get a free trip there. But those cats are smelly.

<3